How far is too far? (Part 1)

How far is too far? This is the age-old, $5 million dollar question when it comes to dating relationships. Have you ever found yourself in a relationship asking this question, hoping to find a specific answer? When it comes to challenging questions, wouldn’t it be nice if the Bible just spelled it out for us?! Verses like Ephesians 7:2 that said, “If a man kisseth a woman on the lips who is not his wife, he is in sin.” Or James 6:8 that says, “You can walketh in the light as Jesus is in the light if you avoideth any type of kissing with someone not your spouse that involveth thy tongue.” (both King James versions… and no, these are not actual verses). Yes, wouldn’t that be easy?

We often desire clear-cut black and white specifics rather than having to pursue a relationship with God. We like to avoid having to trust Him and walk by faith. When I married Laura, it would have been nice on the wedding day to have received a manual that answered every specific question of how to handle any given situation, problem, or challenge we would face in marriage. And I think that those who are seeking simple answers to complicated issues in dating are hoping to live the Christian life without engaging in a relationship with God that involves faith, vulnerability, and trust.

In our study a few weeks back, we sought to answer the question, “How far is too far?” There may not be verses in the Bible like James 6:8 that specifically answer the questions we have on kissing in a way that is satisfactory to us, but if we are open to receiving the answers, there actually are more than enough verses that DO adequately answer these questions. When the Bible says, “Flee sexual immorality” (1 Corinthians 6:18), God is being very specific. And to help us better answer the question on what sexual immorality is (ie how far is too far?), let’s look at a few verses that will help guide us…

Ephesians 5:3- “But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people.”

My wife loves those watery drinks, called “Hint.” They are basically bottled water beverages that have a subtle taste of flavoring (cucumber Hint is interesting). Nevermind how someone has made millions by selling water with a twinge of fruit (or vegetable!) flavoring, the point is that even just a hint can change something dramatically.

So, what is a hint? It is a tiny little bit. It is a smigin. An extremely small amount. This verse says that, as believers, we are not to have even a little bit of sexual immorality in our lives. Sexual immorality certainly refers to sexual intercourse outside of marriage, but sex is so much broader than this. In the technical sense, sex may be intercourse, but if we are all honest, sex is not just intercourse… everything leading up to sex is a part of sex. Just like turning the key is a part of driving. Why do you put your key into the ignition switch? … obviously so you can drive somewhere. God created kissing, touching, etc. to function in way so it can actually go somewhere.

Ephesians 5:3 also says that we are to avoid impurity. In this context, it is referring to avoiding moral impurity. The Greek root word for “impurity” is ἀκάθαρτος (akathartos) and means “uncleanness in thought and life.” In the moral sense, it refers to the impurity of lustful, luxurious, or profligate living. If an activity we are participating in with another person causes us to lust, it is clearly to be avoided.

Matthew 5:28- “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

In this passage, Jesus is saying that sin doesn’t only involve our actions, but also our thinking. Lust involves desire or a fixation on something (in this context, it is desiring something that is sinful). This is not to say that the actual act of adultery is the same as lust in regards to consequences. The consequence of wishing my neighbor’s dog would get hit by a car (so it would stop barking at 2:30am) is not as severe as getting the Toyota out of the garage. Although one may be worse than the other, when it comes to choosing between two evils, we are to choose neither (Tryon Edwards).

The point of the passage is that lust is a form of sexual sin and therefore sexual immorality. In his book Sex, Dating, and Relationships, Gerald Hiestand says, “Lust is the first expression of a big sin, and as such, is itself a sin. In the same way, make-out kissing, while not the same as premarital sex, is the beginning of premarital sex and as such is itself a sin. Lesser expressions of big sins are still sins. That was Jesus’ point about lust… God calls us to absolute purity. Let’s not put even a toe in the water of sexual immorality.”

1 Timothy 5:1-2- “Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were your father. Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity.”

Working in a coupon and advertising business for the past 11 years, I’ve learned that small print is often used to clarify other text. In this passage, there is no small print at the bottom of the page that says, “*Dating relationships do not apply.” We can sometimes add our own small print to a text, changing its meaning. 1 Timothy 5:1-2 is quite clear. If you are in a dating relationship, you need to be treating that person in all purity, as you would a member of the family.

(To continue our discussion, please read part 2: Click Here

~AF

How far is too far? (Part 2)

We pick up our discussion from part 1 of, “How far is too far?”

Song of Solomon  8:4- “Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.”

I absolutely love ice cream cakes from Dairy Queen! Imagine Laura bringing a mint chocolate chip ice cream cake home one day for my birthday. And imagine my bday is on Wednesday but it’s only Monday. Now, it would be crazy to open the box and taste just a little of the delicious cream-based chocolatey frosting goodness if I knew that cake was off limits until my big day. Why “arouse” or “awaken” my love for a DQ’s ice cream cake if I couldn’t actually eat it?!

In the same way, because of the enticing and pleasurable nature of sex, God does not want us to toy around with it until we are in the right context to be able to enjoy it (marriage!). Once a person “tastes” sex and what goes with it, it is all the more difficult to control the passion it ignites from within. God wants us to enjoy his gifts, not to experience feelings of guilt, remorse, and regret afterward (like I would have had I eaten that cake before it was time!).

1 Corinthians 6:18-20- “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.”

This passage tells us to “flee” immorality. Get out of there, run, take cover! If you want to be a healthy Christian, this is not optional. It is a command. If you don’t flee, you will find yourself caught up in sin resulting in devastating consequences that affect you and those around you.

Several years back, 29eleven went out for a day of intense paintball action. It was a great time of getting pummeled with paint flying at 200 miles per hour (yes, that’s why you get welts!). What made the day especially exciting was that Mark Hotaling came along to show us all how it’s done. Being an ex Navy SEAL, Mark could probably kill you with his left pinkie. It has been said that Mark Hotaling can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves. Mark Hotaling does not sleep. He waits. Well, give the man a paintball gun and his elite military training kicks into action.

We broke into two teams to play a deathmatch where the team with the last man standing would be the victor. Of course, Mark happened to be on the other team and how it happened, I’m not sure, but I managed to find myself in a one-on-one shoot off with the SEAL. This would be a paintball war that would go down in 29eleven infamy. Bible college grad vs. Navy SEAL. Coupon salesman vs. Special ops. With flying paint, one of us would go down.

I found myself in a bunker, approximately 25 yards from my target, who was strategically positioned in a tree fort. As we exchanged fire for about 10 minutes, I felt a twinge of confidence coming over me that I could take the SEAL down. I didn’t need to call in back-up. I didn’t need to retreat to a safer place. I could do this! From my vantage point, I could see that my paint was hitting the slats in the tree house, spraying him with paint. With the right shot I would have victory! Just as that fleeting thought hit me… WHAP!... so did Mark’s paintball, right in the left eye of my safety glasses. Needless to say, I was out of the game… and the reconnaissance specialist would be the winner.

This is the perfect illustration of how we so often try to fight sexual temptation. Rather than seeing danger and taking cover, we pridefully think we can handle it on our own, trying to be some kind of hero. In my paintball experience, I should have realized I was facing a situation I couldn’t manage on my own. In 1 Corinthians 6, we are told to run because Paul knows that on our own, we are no match for the enemy. Satan is referred to as a “roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” He likes to launch temptation our direction, hoping that we will give in and be destroyed by sin.

When we choose to fight temptation on our own, we often think that we are much stronger than we really are. 1 Corinthians 10:12 says, “Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed that he does not fall.” Pride tells us we are stronger than we are. When we believe that lie, it’s often then we find ourselves entrapped by sin. Humility tells us we are too weak. When we believe it’s wise to flee, we find victory in overcoming temptation by attaining purity. Proverbs 22:3 says, “A prudent man sees danger and takes refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it.” Are you going to be prudent and take cover or foolish and try to fight temptation until it overtakes you?

These are just a few verses that encourage us to be men and women who love Jesus by pursuing purity. As Christians, we are to emulate Christ-likeness in the way we live our lives, especially in the area of sexual purity. When a person asks the question, “How far is too far?”, they are failing to see the seriousness of sexual sin. Proverbs 7 describes the person yielding to sexual sin as one who is being “led to the slaughter.” Since my dad is a pilot, I grew up around small aircraft. On the tarmac, never once did I think “Hmm… look at that propeller… I wonder how close I can get to it?” I knew how dangerous they can be and stayed far away. Sexual sin is dangerous and we are called to flee temptation so we don’t get caught in it.

So, instead of asking the question, “How far is to far?”, we should be asking the following questions:

• Are our actions sexual in nature in any way, shape, or form? (Eph 5:3)

Remember that sexual immorality is not just limited to intercourse. We are called to not even have a “hint” of immorality in our lives. This includes anything that stirs up lust in our hearts.

• Am I treating my boyfriend/girlfriend in all purity, as a brother or sister in Christ? (1 Tim 5:1-2)

• Am I causing them to lust, or helping them to avoid from being tempted? (Mt 5:28)

Is kissing a sin? The Bible does not speak on this, but if kissing causes you to lust, than for you it is a sin. What about passionate kissing? If we are honest with ourselves, this type of kissing does stir up sexual desire. I’ve never met anyone who can engage in passionate kissing and not be tempted to go further. If you are not married, than it is wise to avoid certain forms of kissing! And remember that love seeks to encourage the other person to become more like Christ, not to entice them to sin. Even if you think you can handle it, can the other person?

• Am I stirring up passion that cannot be fulfilled? (SOS 2:7, 8:4)

• Do I think I’m stronger than I really am?  (1 Cor 10:6-12)

• Am I fleeing temptation or toying with it? (1 Cor. 6:18-20)

Facing these questions honestly is hard, because it will show us that even a “hint” is too far! But let’s never forget that when God is saying “No!” to something, He is really saying “Yes!” to something much greater! So, let’s all pursue purity in our lives and avoid the slippery slope of sin… let’s run away when temptation comes so we can experience the freedom of walking in obedience to our Lord and Savior!

~AF

Sex: 5 Purposes of God's Design in Marriage

A few weeks back, we talked about the purpose of sex. Here’s a recap of some of the discussion…

Having a proper view of sex will help us to guard against sexual temptation as we strive for purity. As we established early in our study, purity is not the ultimate goal, Jesus is. Purity is a path to Jesus, an avenue of being closer to Him. And as we become closer to Him, we will experience true joy that can only be found in the Creator of the universe.

When we understand the purpose of sex as God designed it and follow His plan in obedience, we will be better equipped to guard purity in our lives. For those who will someday be married, this study will help lay a foundation for the future. Cultivating intimacy in marriage begins now through purity and respecting God’s boundaries as a single. It is important to remember that God is not the enemy of pleasure, He is the Creation of it. When He says “No” to something, He is really saying “Yes” to something much better!

Here are 5 purposes in God’s design of sex:

1) Procreation

In Genesis 1:28, God said, “Be fruitful and increase in number…” Without sex, the human race would quickly become extinct! Mentioned in an earlier post, God could have created procreation as boring as a sneeze or He could have created a parthenogenetic (asexual) human race that reproduces completely autonomously. But because God is good, He created sex as a gift to be enjoyed with another person in the confines of marriage…

2) Enjoyment/Pleasure

There is an entire book in the Bible dedicated to the enjoyment of sex. Children are not mentioned in Song of Solomon… nope, not once. Also, if God had created sex just for procreation, He would have designed the human anatomy quite differently! In Proverbs 5, husbands are actually commanded to enjoy the body of their wife. Yes, sex was hand-crafted by the Lord created for the enjoyment of a husband and wife.

3) Oneness

When a man and woman marry, God joins the couple into “one” flesh. The picture is one of permanency. It bonds two people. Sex was created to be an agent of joining two into one. It helps to create a “glue” in a relationship that bonds them together emotionally. Marriage is a covenant that can be very difficult, but God’s gift of sex brings two people together emotionally, helping them to continue in their commitment to God and each other.

This emotional connection is so deep, it is also physical. Dr. Stephen Arterburn said, “When a man or woman reaches sexual excitement, nerve endings release a chemical into the brain called ‘opioid.’ ‘Opioid’ means opium-like and is a good description of the power of this chemical. This is a wonderful thing in a committed marriage relationship, because it helps to bond two people together and bring joy to living together and building a relationship.”

Mark Driscoll continues this thought, “A married couple with a free and frequent sex life are literally bonded together as one, physically and chemically, by God’s design. This oneness is expressed in such things as having one last name, living in one house, sleeping in one bed, attending one church, sharing one bank account, and worshiping one God.”

Do you see why sexual involvement outside of marriage is SO serious? It has the power to bond two people emotionally to the point of them continuing in sin, rather than pursuing purity. They foolishly convince themselves that their physicality is evidence of their love, rather than the fruit of their selfishness and lust.

4) Protection from sin

A healthy sex life can actually guard the married couple from falling into temptation. Paul explains in 1 Corinthians 7 that the husband’s body is not his own and the wife’s body is not her own… they are to lovingly seek to satisfy the other sexually with their bodies. This helps to serve the other in guarding against sexual or emotional temptation. Mark Driscoll says, “If one person feels sexually denied and discouraged, it increases the temptation to wander outside the marriage for sexual satisfaction or remain sexually pure but emotionally bitter. But free and frequent sex within marriage helps safeguard and protect the marriage from such sins as bitterness, adultery, pornography, and secret masturbation.”

5) To picture the intimate union of Christ and the church

This point cannot be overlooked! The whole picture of marriage is to signify the relationship of Jesus and the church (believers). Jonathan Edwards said that all of life was to serve as visible portraits of invisible realities. The imagery of marriage is to represent the unconditional, sacrificial, and faithful love of God for His people (this is one reason He hates divorce. It is not an accurate picture of His relentless love for us- study the book of Hosea). The oneness that sex creates for the married couple is a type (or picture) of the oneness that we have with God in Christ. Jesus lived the perfect life, taking on flesh to die for our sins so that we could be reconciled to God (2 Corinthians 5:21, Romans 5:10). Reconciliation unites us to God, creating fellowship that was once broken by sin.

Now get this: sex in marriage is essentially the gospel message! But let’s be cautious before we take that thought too far… sex is not to be elevated as a god, but it is a picture of something greater. Even Paul said this concept is difficult to understand. In Ephesians 5:32, he called it a “profound mystery.” Jonathan Edwards also said, “Christ is united to you by a spiritual union, so close as to be fitly represented by the union of the wife to the husband.” The experience of sex within marriage can help one to better grasp the depth of their spiritual union with Christ. In his book, Sex, Dating, and Relationships, Gerald Hiestand says, “The marriage union is not simply a legal union or a social union, a financial union or a familial union, bur rather a union of bodies, a sharing of physical life. Through sex, two people are joined together in the deepest and most wonderful way—so much so that they are said to become one… sexual oneness within marriage was created by God to serve as a foreshadowing of the spiritual oneness that would exist between Christ and His church.”

Again, you may be wondering, “Why all of this talk about sex… especially for a single’s group?!” Glad you asked. ;-) As mentioned before, if we can have a healthy, biblical view of God’s gift of sex, we will better learn to respect God’s boundaries in purity both in our private lives and in our relationships. Our discussion of sex is not so we can focus all of our attention on this topic. The focus should not be on the gift, but on the gift-Giver! When we see God for who He is, we will understand and believe that fulfillment in life can only come by having a right relationship with Him.

~AF