The Destructive Nature of Pornography

As we continue our study in purity, it is important to address the problem of pornography. Statistics have shown that…

• 90% of children ages 8-16 have viewed porn

• 70% of men ages 18-34 visit a porn site in a typical month

• 1 in every 6 women struggle with porn addiction

• The pornography industry is larger than the revenues of the top technology companies combined: Microsoft, Google, Amazon, eBay, Yahoo!, Apple, Netflix and EarthLink—10-14 billion dollars a year.

• Women, more than men, are likely to act out their behaviors in real life, such as having multiple partners, casual sex, or affairs.

Pornography isn’t just a problem among non-Christians, it is also common in the church. In fact, some have said that porn is the number one problem in the church today. A few more stats indicate that 7 of 10 lay leaders in the church admitted to visiting pornographic web sites at least once a week
 and 5 out of 10 pastors said they did the same.

These statistics are clear indicators that we, as the church, are failing to pursue God in purity! It seems that purity is esteemed too little and desired too late. And rather than receiving God’s truths in this area, Christians ignore the Lord’s warnings and continue down a path that only brings death. Pornography is a problem in the church because of the refusal to believe that God’s way is best and that sin is destructive. In this post, we will highlight the serious consequences of pornography.

As we’ve established in anther post, sex is to be an act of love towards a spouse. Pornography essentially trains men and women to be consumers, not lovers. When sex becomes self-focused, it only fuels pride and selfishness. Porn treats sex as a commodity, something on-tap, and made to order. It encourages self-indulgence rather than a gift God gave to husband and wife for the mutual pleasure of each other. 

1. Porn Decreases Sexual Satisfaction.

Pornography trains a person to desire a variety of partners. God has called a man or woman to be devoted to their spouse alone. In Proverbs 5:19, wisdom calls out to the married person to be delighted in their spouse. The Bible teaches that your husband or wife is to be your standard of beauty!

Like Hollywood, Pornography puts on display those who are exceptionally beautiful and who have perfect bodies that are often altered by plastic surgery (and Photoshop). An extensive study of the effects of pornography stated that those who engaged in watching porn were less likely to be pleased with their partner’s physical appearance, affection, and sexual performance. When men and women were exposed to pictures of female centerfold models from pornographic magazines, it significantly lowered their judgment about the attractiveness of “average” people.

Whether single or married, porn fuels lust and conditions a person to desire something that is only a fantasy. Men (and women) who believe they can look at a naked person without those images being imbedded in their minds and haunting them in the marriage bed are fools. We must remember that God is the creator of sexual satisfaction and has designed marriage, not porn, for its enjoyment.

2. Porn Disconnects Us from Real Relationships. 
It trains us to detach emotional involvement from sexual experience. Sex was created by God to be an intimate and emotional experience that is to be guarded and reserved for marriage. Pornography trains men to be digital voyeurs, to prefer looking at women more than seeking out genuine intimacy. If Satan can successfully detach our hearts from sex, he can successfully train us to compartmentalize other areas of our lives. This is what characterizes a hypocrite! A person who can “casually” engage in sexual activity is one who has become desensitized to the way God created them. If sinful actions no longer cause you to be remorseful, you are in danger of quenching the Holy Spirit’s work in your life.

3. Porn Lowers Our View of Women (and men).

It trains us to see others as sexual commodities. I Tim 5:1-2 tells us that we are to view others as brothers and sisters in Christ with ALL purity. Dr. Zillmann, who conducted extensive research on pornography, said, “Men who view pornographic lust invariably see women as objects with parts and are incapable of being friendly with attractive young women because they cannot view such women in a non-sexual manner.” God has created men and women in His image. People are not sexual commodities but are worthy of great honor (Gen 1:27, 1 Pet. 3:7)! 

4. Porn Makes Us Want to Watch More Porn.

Porn can actually effect the neuro-circuitry of our brains, making us desire more and more. Proverbs 27:20 says that the eyes of man are never satisfied. Lust only fuels more lust. Dr. Zillmann’s continued research in this area found that the habitual use of pornography led to greater tolerance of sexually explicit material over time, requiring the viewer to consume more novel and bizarre material to achieve the same level of arousal or interest. Sin only leads to more sin, and the addictive nature of pornography is certainly no exception.

It is very interesting that even non-Christians have come to see the damaging nature of porn. Here is a 5 minute video from a psychologist who explains how porn is effecting men: http://www.ted.com/talks/zimchallenge.html 

And here is another interesting (secular) presentation on porn: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSF82AwSDiU 

More than maybe we even realized, pornography is eroding away the purity of the church. We cannot simultaneously allow ourselves to be exploring the boundaries of purity while pursuing righteousness at the same time. So, how DO we overcome giving into pornography and avoid from becoming another statistic? God’s Word gives us ample verses to help us in our quest for purity. Here are a few… 

1 John 1:9-
“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” 

The first step towards change is always repentance! Repentance not only involves an acknowledgement of sin but also a follow-through of forsaking that sin. We must see sin how God sees sin and then turn from it by obeying Him. 

Ps 119:9-11-

“How can a young person stay on the path of purity? By living according to your word. I seek You with all my heart; do not let me stray from Your commands. I have hidden Your word in my heart that I might not sin against You.” 

David, the Psalmist, pursued purity by clinging to the principles found in God’s Word. If we are constantly renewing our mind in the truths of Scripture, we will be strengthened by the promises God has for those who follow Him. For example, Psalm 1 talks about the person who is strong enough to stand the storms of life… all because he takes delight in God’s Word. If you are rooted in truth, even when temptation comes, you will be able to resist it. 

2 Tim 2:22-

“Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.” 

Avoiding sexual temptation is only half the battle. Without the other half, we are doomed to failure. This verse says to flee AND pursue. Loving God is not just about hating evil but also learning to love that which is good. In order to overcome bad habits, good habits must be developed in their place. Striving after purity is active, not passive. 

Proverbs 28:13-

“He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.” 

In order to deal with sexual sin, we must get it out in the light! Do you have a trusted friend (of the same sex) who can help hold you accountable? Confessing your struggles to someone is a great way to start the process of overcoming porn. If you want to have joy and peace in life, concealing sin will not get you there. 

James 5:16-

“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.” 

Again, the process of overcoming sexual sin involves confessing to others who can help strengthen you in your weakness through accountability (Hebrews 10:24-25). 

Proverbs 24:6-

“For by wise guidance you will wage war, And in abundance of counselors there is victory.” 

Fighting sin is a war! Overcoming porn is a battle. My little brother is a Marine, and has been going through extensive training over the past year. The more he learns from those who are experienced, the more success he will achieve in wartime. The Christian walk is no different… we need to be seeking out the wise counsel of others so that we are prepared. 

Proverbs 24:3-

“By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established.” 

Before embarking on the construction of a house, it is important to carefully draw up detailed plans that consider every aspect of the building process. Spiritually speaking, if we are going to build the foundation of purity in our lives, it also will take careful planning. What are some practical steps you can take in your life to plot out the plan of purity? When do you find yourself tempted? James 1:21 says to “get rid of all moral filth” in our lives… what will this take in your situation? Do you need to get rid of your smart phone? Do you need to have your door open at all times so your roommates can hold you accountable? Do you need to limit who you spend time with or avoid those people/places all together? Do you need to find a healthy roommate situation? What will it take? How will you develop your plan?

As we have seen, pornography is destructive and has HUGE consequences in how a person thinks and views sex and other people. If you struggle with porn, please take the necessary steps to overcome this sin in your life. If you need help and encouragement, my wife and I are available to help you in the process. Please don’t hesitate to contact us: 29eleven@mvcchurch.org

~AF

How far is too far? (Part 1)

How far is too far? This is the age-old, $5 million dollar question when it comes to dating relationships. Have you ever found yourself in a relationship asking this question, hoping to find a specific answer? When it comes to challenging questions, wouldn’t it be nice if the Bible just spelled it out for us?! Verses like Ephesians 7:2 that said, “If a man kisseth a woman on the lips who is not his wife, he is in sin.” Or James 6:8 that says, “You can walketh in the light as Jesus is in the light if you avoideth any type of kissing with someone not your spouse that involveth thy tongue.” (both King James versions… and no, these are not actual verses). Yes, wouldn’t that be easy?

We often desire clear-cut black and white specifics rather than having to pursue a relationship with God. We like to avoid having to trust Him and walk by faith. When I married Laura, it would have been nice on the wedding day to have received a manual that answered every specific question of how to handle any given situation, problem, or challenge we would face in marriage. And I think that those who are seeking simple answers to complicated issues in dating are hoping to live the Christian life without engaging in a relationship with God that involves faith, vulnerability, and trust.

In our study a few weeks back, we sought to answer the question, “How far is too far?” There may not be verses in the Bible like James 6:8 that specifically answer the questions we have on kissing in a way that is satisfactory to us, but if we are open to receiving the answers, there actually are more than enough verses that DO adequately answer these questions. When the Bible says, “Flee sexual immorality” (1 Corinthians 6:18), God is being very specific. And to help us better answer the question on what sexual immorality is (ie how far is too far?), let’s look at a few verses that will help guide us…

Ephesians 5:3- “But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people.”

My wife loves those watery drinks, called “Hint.” They are basically bottled water beverages that have a subtle taste of flavoring (cucumber Hint is interesting). Nevermind how someone has made millions by selling water with a twinge of fruit (or vegetable!) flavoring, the point is that even just a hint can change something dramatically.

So, what is a hint? It is a tiny little bit. It is a smigin. An extremely small amount. This verse says that, as believers, we are not to have even a little bit of sexual immorality in our lives. Sexual immorality certainly refers to sexual intercourse outside of marriage, but sex is so much broader than this. In the technical sense, sex may be intercourse, but if we are all honest, sex is not just intercourse… everything leading up to sex is a part of sex. Just like turning the key is a part of driving. Why do you put your key into the ignition switch? … obviously so you can drive somewhere. God created kissing, touching, etc. to function in way so it can actually go somewhere.

Ephesians 5:3 also says that we are to avoid impurity. In this context, it is referring to avoiding moral impurity. The Greek root word for “impurity” is ἀκάθαρτος (akathartos) and means “uncleanness in thought and life.” In the moral sense, it refers to the impurity of lustful, luxurious, or profligate living. If an activity we are participating in with another person causes us to lust, it is clearly to be avoided.

Matthew 5:28- “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

In this passage, Jesus is saying that sin doesn’t only involve our actions, but also our thinking. Lust involves desire or a fixation on something (in this context, it is desiring something that is sinful). This is not to say that the actual act of adultery is the same as lust in regards to consequences. The consequence of wishing my neighbor’s dog would get hit by a car (so it would stop barking at 2:30am) is not as severe as getting the Toyota out of the garage. Although one may be worse than the other, when it comes to choosing between two evils, we are to choose neither (Tryon Edwards).

The point of the passage is that lust is a form of sexual sin and therefore sexual immorality. In his book Sex, Dating, and Relationships, Gerald Hiestand says, “Lust is the first expression of a big sin, and as such, is itself a sin. In the same way, make-out kissing, while not the same as premarital sex, is the beginning of premarital sex and as such is itself a sin. Lesser expressions of big sins are still sins. That was Jesus’ point about lust… God calls us to absolute purity. Let’s not put even a toe in the water of sexual immorality.”

1 Timothy 5:1-2- “Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were your father. Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity.”

Working in a coupon and advertising business for the past 11 years, I’ve learned that small print is often used to clarify other text. In this passage, there is no small print at the bottom of the page that says, “*Dating relationships do not apply.” We can sometimes add our own small print to a text, changing its meaning. 1 Timothy 5:1-2 is quite clear. If you are in a dating relationship, you need to be treating that person in all purity, as you would a member of the family.

(To continue our discussion, please read part 2: Click Here

~AF

How far is too far? (Part 2)

We pick up our discussion from part 1 of, “How far is too far?”

Song of Solomon  8:4- “Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.”

I absolutely love ice cream cakes from Dairy Queen! Imagine Laura bringing a mint chocolate chip ice cream cake home one day for my birthday. And imagine my bday is on Wednesday but it’s only Monday. Now, it would be crazy to open the box and taste just a little of the delicious cream-based chocolatey frosting goodness if I knew that cake was off limits until my big day. Why “arouse” or “awaken” my love for a DQ’s ice cream cake if I couldn’t actually eat it?!

In the same way, because of the enticing and pleasurable nature of sex, God does not want us to toy around with it until we are in the right context to be able to enjoy it (marriage!). Once a person “tastes” sex and what goes with it, it is all the more difficult to control the passion it ignites from within. God wants us to enjoy his gifts, not to experience feelings of guilt, remorse, and regret afterward (like I would have had I eaten that cake before it was time!).

1 Corinthians 6:18-20- “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.”

This passage tells us to “flee” immorality. Get out of there, run, take cover! If you want to be a healthy Christian, this is not optional. It is a command. If you don’t flee, you will find yourself caught up in sin resulting in devastating consequences that affect you and those around you.

Several years back, 29eleven went out for a day of intense paintball action. It was a great time of getting pummeled with paint flying at 200 miles per hour (yes, that’s why you get welts!). What made the day especially exciting was that Mark Hotaling came along to show us all how it’s done. Being an ex Navy SEAL, Mark could probably kill you with his left pinkie. It has been said that Mark Hotaling can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves. Mark Hotaling does not sleep. He waits. Well, give the man a paintball gun and his elite military training kicks into action.

We broke into two teams to play a deathmatch where the team with the last man standing would be the victor. Of course, Mark happened to be on the other team and how it happened, I’m not sure, but I managed to find myself in a one-on-one shoot off with the SEAL. This would be a paintball war that would go down in 29eleven infamy. Bible college grad vs. Navy SEAL. Coupon salesman vs. Special ops. With flying paint, one of us would go down.

I found myself in a bunker, approximately 25 yards from my target, who was strategically positioned in a tree fort. As we exchanged fire for about 10 minutes, I felt a twinge of confidence coming over me that I could take the SEAL down. I didn’t need to call in back-up. I didn’t need to retreat to a safer place. I could do this! From my vantage point, I could see that my paint was hitting the slats in the tree house, spraying him with paint. With the right shot I would have victory! Just as that fleeting thought hit me… WHAP!... so did Mark’s paintball, right in the left eye of my safety glasses. Needless to say, I was out of the game… and the reconnaissance specialist would be the winner.

This is the perfect illustration of how we so often try to fight sexual temptation. Rather than seeing danger and taking cover, we pridefully think we can handle it on our own, trying to be some kind of hero. In my paintball experience, I should have realized I was facing a situation I couldn’t manage on my own. In 1 Corinthians 6, we are told to run because Paul knows that on our own, we are no match for the enemy. Satan is referred to as a “roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” He likes to launch temptation our direction, hoping that we will give in and be destroyed by sin.

When we choose to fight temptation on our own, we often think that we are much stronger than we really are. 1 Corinthians 10:12 says, “Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed that he does not fall.” Pride tells us we are stronger than we are. When we believe that lie, it’s often then we find ourselves entrapped by sin. Humility tells us we are too weak. When we believe it’s wise to flee, we find victory in overcoming temptation by attaining purity. Proverbs 22:3 says, “A prudent man sees danger and takes refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it.” Are you going to be prudent and take cover or foolish and try to fight temptation until it overtakes you?

These are just a few verses that encourage us to be men and women who love Jesus by pursuing purity. As Christians, we are to emulate Christ-likeness in the way we live our lives, especially in the area of sexual purity. When a person asks the question, “How far is too far?”, they are failing to see the seriousness of sexual sin. Proverbs 7 describes the person yielding to sexual sin as one who is being “led to the slaughter.” Since my dad is a pilot, I grew up around small aircraft. On the tarmac, never once did I think “Hmm… look at that propeller… I wonder how close I can get to it?” I knew how dangerous they can be and stayed far away. Sexual sin is dangerous and we are called to flee temptation so we don’t get caught in it.

So, instead of asking the question, “How far is to far?”, we should be asking the following questions:

• Are our actions sexual in nature in any way, shape, or form? (Eph 5:3)

Remember that sexual immorality is not just limited to intercourse. We are called to not even have a “hint” of immorality in our lives. This includes anything that stirs up lust in our hearts.

• Am I treating my boyfriend/girlfriend in all purity, as a brother or sister in Christ? (1 Tim 5:1-2)

• Am I causing them to lust, or helping them to avoid from being tempted? (Mt 5:28)

Is kissing a sin? The Bible does not speak on this, but if kissing causes you to lust, than for you it is a sin. What about passionate kissing? If we are honest with ourselves, this type of kissing does stir up sexual desire. I’ve never met anyone who can engage in passionate kissing and not be tempted to go further. If you are not married, than it is wise to avoid certain forms of kissing! And remember that love seeks to encourage the other person to become more like Christ, not to entice them to sin. Even if you think you can handle it, can the other person?

• Am I stirring up passion that cannot be fulfilled? (SOS 2:7, 8:4)

• Do I think I’m stronger than I really am?  (1 Cor 10:6-12)

• Am I fleeing temptation or toying with it? (1 Cor. 6:18-20)

Facing these questions honestly is hard, because it will show us that even a “hint” is too far! But let’s never forget that when God is saying “No!” to something, He is really saying “Yes!” to something much greater! So, let’s all pursue purity in our lives and avoid the slippery slope of sin… let’s run away when temptation comes so we can experience the freedom of walking in obedience to our Lord and Savior!

~AF

Sex: 5 Purposes of God's Design in Marriage

A few weeks back, we talked about the purpose of sex. Here’s a recap of some of the discussion…

Having a proper view of sex will help us to guard against sexual temptation as we strive for purity. As we established early in our study, purity is not the ultimate goal, Jesus is. Purity is a path to Jesus, an avenue of being closer to Him. And as we become closer to Him, we will experience true joy that can only be found in the Creator of the universe.

When we understand the purpose of sex as God designed it and follow His plan in obedience, we will be better equipped to guard purity in our lives. For those who will someday be married, this study will help lay a foundation for the future. Cultivating intimacy in marriage begins now through purity and respecting God’s boundaries as a single. It is important to remember that God is not the enemy of pleasure, He is the Creation of it. When He says “No” to something, He is really saying “Yes” to something much better!

Here are 5 purposes in God’s design of sex:

1) Procreation

In Genesis 1:28, God said, “Be fruitful and increase in number…” Without sex, the human race would quickly become extinct! Mentioned in an earlier post, God could have created procreation as boring as a sneeze or He could have created a parthenogenetic (asexual) human race that reproduces completely autonomously. But because God is good, He created sex as a gift to be enjoyed with another person in the confines of marriage…

2) Enjoyment/Pleasure

There is an entire book in the Bible dedicated to the enjoyment of sex. Children are not mentioned in Song of Solomon… nope, not once. Also, if God had created sex just for procreation, He would have designed the human anatomy quite differently! In Proverbs 5, husbands are actually commanded to enjoy the body of their wife. Yes, sex was hand-crafted by the Lord created for the enjoyment of a husband and wife.

3) Oneness

When a man and woman marry, God joins the couple into “one” flesh. The picture is one of permanency. It bonds two people. Sex was created to be an agent of joining two into one. It helps to create a “glue” in a relationship that bonds them together emotionally. Marriage is a covenant that can be very difficult, but God’s gift of sex brings two people together emotionally, helping them to continue in their commitment to God and each other.

This emotional connection is so deep, it is also physical. Dr. Stephen Arterburn said, “When a man or woman reaches sexual excitement, nerve endings release a chemical into the brain called ‘opioid.’ ‘Opioid’ means opium-like and is a good description of the power of this chemical. This is a wonderful thing in a committed marriage relationship, because it helps to bond two people together and bring joy to living together and building a relationship.”

Mark Driscoll continues this thought, “A married couple with a free and frequent sex life are literally bonded together as one, physically and chemically, by God’s design. This oneness is expressed in such things as having one last name, living in one house, sleeping in one bed, attending one church, sharing one bank account, and worshiping one God.”

Do you see why sexual involvement outside of marriage is SO serious? It has the power to bond two people emotionally to the point of them continuing in sin, rather than pursuing purity. They foolishly convince themselves that their physicality is evidence of their love, rather than the fruit of their selfishness and lust.

4) Protection from sin

A healthy sex life can actually guard the married couple from falling into temptation. Paul explains in 1 Corinthians 7 that the husband’s body is not his own and the wife’s body is not her own… they are to lovingly seek to satisfy the other sexually with their bodies. This helps to serve the other in guarding against sexual or emotional temptation. Mark Driscoll says, “If one person feels sexually denied and discouraged, it increases the temptation to wander outside the marriage for sexual satisfaction or remain sexually pure but emotionally bitter. But free and frequent sex within marriage helps safeguard and protect the marriage from such sins as bitterness, adultery, pornography, and secret masturbation.”

5) To picture the intimate union of Christ and the church

This point cannot be overlooked! The whole picture of marriage is to signify the relationship of Jesus and the church (believers). Jonathan Edwards said that all of life was to serve as visible portraits of invisible realities. The imagery of marriage is to represent the unconditional, sacrificial, and faithful love of God for His people (this is one reason He hates divorce. It is not an accurate picture of His relentless love for us- study the book of Hosea). The oneness that sex creates for the married couple is a type (or picture) of the oneness that we have with God in Christ. Jesus lived the perfect life, taking on flesh to die for our sins so that we could be reconciled to God (2 Corinthians 5:21, Romans 5:10). Reconciliation unites us to God, creating fellowship that was once broken by sin.

Now get this: sex in marriage is essentially the gospel message! But let’s be cautious before we take that thought too far… sex is not to be elevated as a god, but it is a picture of something greater. Even Paul said this concept is difficult to understand. In Ephesians 5:32, he called it a “profound mystery.” Jonathan Edwards also said, “Christ is united to you by a spiritual union, so close as to be fitly represented by the union of the wife to the husband.” The experience of sex within marriage can help one to better grasp the depth of their spiritual union with Christ. In his book, Sex, Dating, and Relationships, Gerald Hiestand says, “The marriage union is not simply a legal union or a social union, a financial union or a familial union, bur rather a union of bodies, a sharing of physical life. Through sex, two people are joined together in the deepest and most wonderful way—so much so that they are said to become one… sexual oneness within marriage was created by God to serve as a foreshadowing of the spiritual oneness that would exist between Christ and His church.”

Again, you may be wondering, “Why all of this talk about sex… especially for a single’s group?!” Glad you asked. ;-) As mentioned before, if we can have a healthy, biblical view of God’s gift of sex, we will better learn to respect God’s boundaries in purity both in our private lives and in our relationships. Our discussion of sex is not so we can focus all of our attention on this topic. The focus should not be on the gift, but on the gift-Giver! When we see God for who He is, we will understand and believe that fulfillment in life can only come by having a right relationship with Him.

~AF

Sex: God, Gross, or a Gift?

As we continue our study of dating, sex, and purity, it is important to properly view sex as God intended. Last week, we discussed three views of sex.

Sex as “god”

The first view of sex is that it is highly esteemed as the one thing that will bring happiness to a person’s life. We certainly live in a culture where sex is idolized, and even within Christianity, marriage is exalted on a pedestal because of sex. Within Christian circles everywhere, young dating couples who are not ready for the serious of marriage rush into it. Rather than learning the fruit of the Spirit known as self-control, sex becomes the driving factor into marriage… because after all, it’s better to get married right away than fall into sexual sin, right? The world puts off marriage and indulges in sexual activity. The church rushes into marriage to have sex. Sex is often an idol for those who call themselves believers. When sex is the god controlling a person’s life, God is no longer on His throne, and pain and destruction ensue.

When sex becomes a god, it will cost a person their life... we see this clearly in Proverbs chapter 7 with the man who went after the adulteress. It reads, “With persuasive words she led him astray; she seduced him with her smooth talk. All at once he followed her like an ox going to the slaughter,
like a deer stepping into a noose till an arrow pierces his liver,
like a bird darting into a snare, little knowing it will cost him his life.” Although STDs can kill, this passage isn’t necessarily talking about physical death. The consequences of sin rob a person of joy, peace, and freedom. Living life under the condemnation of God’s wrath is no life at all.

It isn’t just in today’s society, sex has been idolized since creation. Many of the problems we read of in the Old Testament were the result of idolizing sex. Also, pagans around the time of the early church made it very prominent. People taught that God could be experienced through sex. They exalted the creation above the Creator. Temple prostitution was an integral component of religious ceremonies. Greek and Roman societies also had sexuality as a major element in their worship. Even Hinduism’s Karma Sutra idolizes sex by teaching that sexual pleasure is a way to experience God and develop into a more well-rounded human being. Whenever we ignore God’s view of sex and continue forward in disobedience, it is a sure tell sign that sex has become an idol.

Sex is Gross

Another common view of sex is that it is dirty. This has been a common view throughout the ages, especially among the church. When sex is not properly understood biblically, it can be corrupted by what the world has made it. The porn industry has certainly corrupted sex. Hollywood has corrupted sex. Novels have corrupted sex. If this is all a person sees, it’s easy to understand how sex could be viewed as dirty and off-limits.

Many false teachings surrounding the early church advocated that sensual pleasure was not of the Lord. Tertullian and Ambrose were said to prefer extinction of the human race than continued sexual intercourse. Chrysostom said that Adam and Eve could not have had sexual relations before sin entered the world. And Jerome threw himself into thorny bushes to overwhelm himself with pain whenever he began to desire a woman sexually. When God is viewed as a cosmic “kill joy” anything pleasurable can be seen as an enemy of God Himself.

Also, for those who have been sexually abused, seeing sex as healthy can be very difficult when overcoming the deep emotional pain that sexual sin has caused in their life. Both extremes… exalting sex as god or seeing sex as gross can lead a person into dangerous territory. That brings us to the third view of sex…

Sex is a gift!

Of all people, it is Christians that should accurately see sex for what it is: a gift from God! A very GOOD gift. He didn’t turn around one day shortly after creation, shocked and horrified by the fact that Adam and Eve were naked and having sex. He commanded them to be fruitful and multiply and the way He created that to be accomplished was through pleasurable sex. He could have made procreation as boring as sneezing (and sex isn’t just for procreation). Joshua Harris says, “Why did God delight to entrance us with smooth skin, soft breasts, firm muscles, entangled legs, and slow kisses? The answer is for our enjoyment and His glory. Because He’s very very good.”

In Hebrews 13:4, the author says that the marriage bed is to be kept pure and that those who ignore this mandate will be judged. Sexual immorality is seriousness because sex is such an amazing gift to be enjoyed only in the context of marriage. In our study, I will continue to stress the importance of sexual purity. Again, this is certainly not because God doesn’t want us to enjoy sex, it’s because He actually DOES want us to enjoy it… but under His terms. A passionate, healthy sex life shared between two people is the result of doing things God’s way. He created sex. It’s a gift HE designed!

The most sexually satisfied married couples are often the ones who were the most sexually pure before marriage. Guarding the gift of sex outside marriage will lead us to take extra precautions in our dating relationships (and in our singleness). The same patience and humility that leads a dating couple to purity is the very same patience and humility that leads a married couple to a great sex life. By believing that sex is a great gift of God to be reserved for marriage, it will motivate us to seek purity in obedience to the Lord. This mindset also helps us to answer the question, “How far is too far?” because we will be wise enough to not even open the door to temptation in a relationship. We are commanded to flee temptation, not linger in it… and the one who sees sex as a gift to be guarded and enjoyed in marriage will run like Usain Bolt in the opposite direction when temptation arises (more on that in another post).

~AF

DUI (Dating Under the Influence)

Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” It’s an emphatic call for us to be careful. Our mind, will, emotions, desires, and passions… basically the deepest part of our being is represented by our heart. What we think about and what we allow our emotions to center around effect the decisions we make. If we guard our heart, we will be careful to not make unwise decisions that often have painful consequences.

We asked the question, “what are some ways a dating couple can guard their heart”? There are many answers to that question, but often the most obvious (and overlooked) solution is to avoid sexual impurity (and I’m not just talking about intercourse!!). Once a couple opens the door to a physical relationship, their emotions are quickly involved. Unfortunately most relationships center around the physical where decision making becomes emotional rather than rational.

I have a friend who received a DUI that cost him over $10,000 along with his license being revoked. He had to attended a year of classes and have a breathalyzer installed in his car before it would start. It cost him a lot of time and money. Obviously driving a car while under the influence of alcohol is extremely dangerous, and that’s why there are steep laws to discourage people from being irresponsible.

Just like drinking and operating a fast-moving vehicle is dangerous, being in a relationship “under the influence” of heightened emotions (because of unhealthy physical boundaries) is also dangerous. Breakups, regret, shame, and remorse is painful. Dating couples that are involved sexually are connected emotionally in a way that God never intended for two people who are not married. When the emotions get that involved, couples often head towards marriage based on feelings rather than on seeking if God is in it. Often times when those feelings fade and the sexual excitement wears off, divorce ensues. After accepting Christ, marriage is the second most impactful decision a person can make, so why not take careful measures to avoid that which leads to unhealthy emotional attachments?! Yes, above all else, guard your heart… and avoid getting caught up physically in your dating relationships.

~AF

One way to get what you desire...

I read a post recently from a friend’s blog. She’s always been very transparent and yet continues to have a sense of humor in the midst of difficulties. Here’s what she wrote that caught my attention,

“It is hard to be 33 and single.  It's hard to watch people much younger than me get married and have kids.  It's hard to be completely content one day and be so lonely I could die the next day.  It's hard to face the reality that most likely I'm not going to get to have children. It's hard to hear all of the well meaning things that (married) people throw my way whenever I start talking about being single.  As if someone who got married when they were 23 knows anything about being single.  I hate it when people use the verse about God giving you the desire of your heart if you delight yourself in Him.  As if somehow my life is a disappointment to God, which is why I'm still single.  Or why they finally were blessed with marriage - because they figured out the key to delighting themselves in God and were subsequently blessed with the golden chalice of marriage and now they just want to encourage me to do the same thing.  I could hit those people and one of these days, I just might.  Or unfriend them on facebook. I'm good at that too.”

Have you ever heard this verse quoted in the context of singleness? Is it true that the secret of finding a spouse is delighting in God? Is that what Psalm 37:4 talks about?... getting what I want if I delight in God? Well, not quite. The verse says,

“Delight yourself in the Lord; 
And He will give you the desires of your heart.”

We like to twist this verse to the point of it being some mystical path to getting all our hopes and dreams. In reality, it’s really the opposite... well, sort of. As we delight (put first, seek, pursue) in the ways of the Lord, He changes not the circumstances into what we want, but our desires of wanting what He wants and how He directs the circumstances. We serve a God who, in spite of how we feel at times, really does want us to have joy and peace… and who doesn’t want joy and peace? In the end, as we delight in Him by giving over our desires and giving up our dreams, the Lord transforms our desires into His desires, which brings us a joy we never thought possible through submission to Him. Yea, God is pretty powerful in that way… bringing about that which we truly long for, but in a way that is opposite of how we would think. The secret of joy is in yielding, not in holding on to what we want.

John MacArthur simplifies this verse in a way that is really profound…

So, how do you get what you desire? Yield your desires over to Him, and He will give you what you long for. Once you are following the Lord in humility, submission, and obedience (and that is key!), do whatever you want! :-) As you do what He wants, He changes your desires so that what you want is what He wants, too. Crazy!

~AF