How far is too far? (Part 1)

How far is too far? This is the age-old, $5 million dollar question when it comes to dating relationships. Have you ever found yourself in a relationship asking this question, hoping to find a specific answer? When it comes to challenging questions, wouldn’t it be nice if the Bible just spelled it out for us?! Verses like Ephesians 7:2 that said, “If a man kisseth a woman on the lips who is not his wife, he is in sin.” Or James 6:8 that says, “You can walketh in the light as Jesus is in the light if you avoideth any type of kissing with someone not your spouse that involveth thy tongue.” (both King James versions… and no, these are not actual verses). Yes, wouldn’t that be easy?

We often desire clear-cut black and white specifics rather than having to pursue a relationship with God. We like to avoid having to trust Him and walk by faith. When I married Laura, it would have been nice on the wedding day to have received a manual that answered every specific question of how to handle any given situation, problem, or challenge we would face in marriage. And I think that those who are seeking simple answers to complicated issues in dating are hoping to live the Christian life without engaging in a relationship with God that involves faith, vulnerability, and trust.

In our study a few weeks back, we sought to answer the question, “How far is too far?” There may not be verses in the Bible like James 6:8 that specifically answer the questions we have on kissing in a way that is satisfactory to us, but if we are open to receiving the answers, there actually are more than enough verses that DO adequately answer these questions. When the Bible says, “Flee sexual immorality” (1 Corinthians 6:18), God is being very specific. And to help us better answer the question on what sexual immorality is (ie how far is too far?), let’s look at a few verses that will help guide us…

Ephesians 5:3- “But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people.”

My wife loves those watery drinks, called “Hint.” They are basically bottled water beverages that have a subtle taste of flavoring (cucumber Hint is interesting). Nevermind how someone has made millions by selling water with a twinge of fruit (or vegetable!) flavoring, the point is that even just a hint can change something dramatically.

So, what is a hint? It is a tiny little bit. It is a smigin. An extremely small amount. This verse says that, as believers, we are not to have even a little bit of sexual immorality in our lives. Sexual immorality certainly refers to sexual intercourse outside of marriage, but sex is so much broader than this. In the technical sense, sex may be intercourse, but if we are all honest, sex is not just intercourse… everything leading up to sex is a part of sex. Just like turning the key is a part of driving. Why do you put your key into the ignition switch? … obviously so you can drive somewhere. God created kissing, touching, etc. to function in way so it can actually go somewhere.

Ephesians 5:3 also says that we are to avoid impurity. In this context, it is referring to avoiding moral impurity. The Greek root word for “impurity” is ἀκάθαρτος (akathartos) and means “uncleanness in thought and life.” In the moral sense, it refers to the impurity of lustful, luxurious, or profligate living. If an activity we are participating in with another person causes us to lust, it is clearly to be avoided.

Matthew 5:28- “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

In this passage, Jesus is saying that sin doesn’t only involve our actions, but also our thinking. Lust involves desire or a fixation on something (in this context, it is desiring something that is sinful). This is not to say that the actual act of adultery is the same as lust in regards to consequences. The consequence of wishing my neighbor’s dog would get hit by a car (so it would stop barking at 2:30am) is not as severe as getting the Toyota out of the garage. Although one may be worse than the other, when it comes to choosing between two evils, we are to choose neither (Tryon Edwards).

The point of the passage is that lust is a form of sexual sin and therefore sexual immorality. In his book Sex, Dating, and Relationships, Gerald Hiestand says, “Lust is the first expression of a big sin, and as such, is itself a sin. In the same way, make-out kissing, while not the same as premarital sex, is the beginning of premarital sex and as such is itself a sin. Lesser expressions of big sins are still sins. That was Jesus’ point about lust… God calls us to absolute purity. Let’s not put even a toe in the water of sexual immorality.”

1 Timothy 5:1-2- “Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were your father. Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity.”

Working in a coupon and advertising business for the past 11 years, I’ve learned that small print is often used to clarify other text. In this passage, there is no small print at the bottom of the page that says, “*Dating relationships do not apply.” We can sometimes add our own small print to a text, changing its meaning. 1 Timothy 5:1-2 is quite clear. If you are in a dating relationship, you need to be treating that person in all purity, as you would a member of the family.

(To continue our discussion, please read part 2: Click Here

~AF

How far is too far? (Part 2)

We pick up our discussion from part 1 of, “How far is too far?”

Song of Solomon  8:4- “Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.”

I absolutely love ice cream cakes from Dairy Queen! Imagine Laura bringing a mint chocolate chip ice cream cake home one day for my birthday. And imagine my bday is on Wednesday but it’s only Monday. Now, it would be crazy to open the box and taste just a little of the delicious cream-based chocolatey frosting goodness if I knew that cake was off limits until my big day. Why “arouse” or “awaken” my love for a DQ’s ice cream cake if I couldn’t actually eat it?!

In the same way, because of the enticing and pleasurable nature of sex, God does not want us to toy around with it until we are in the right context to be able to enjoy it (marriage!). Once a person “tastes” sex and what goes with it, it is all the more difficult to control the passion it ignites from within. God wants us to enjoy his gifts, not to experience feelings of guilt, remorse, and regret afterward (like I would have had I eaten that cake before it was time!).

1 Corinthians 6:18-20- “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.”

This passage tells us to “flee” immorality. Get out of there, run, take cover! If you want to be a healthy Christian, this is not optional. It is a command. If you don’t flee, you will find yourself caught up in sin resulting in devastating consequences that affect you and those around you.

Several years back, 29eleven went out for a day of intense paintball action. It was a great time of getting pummeled with paint flying at 200 miles per hour (yes, that’s why you get welts!). What made the day especially exciting was that Mark Hotaling came along to show us all how it’s done. Being an ex Navy SEAL, Mark could probably kill you with his left pinkie. It has been said that Mark Hotaling can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves. Mark Hotaling does not sleep. He waits. Well, give the man a paintball gun and his elite military training kicks into action.

We broke into two teams to play a deathmatch where the team with the last man standing would be the victor. Of course, Mark happened to be on the other team and how it happened, I’m not sure, but I managed to find myself in a one-on-one shoot off with the SEAL. This would be a paintball war that would go down in 29eleven infamy. Bible college grad vs. Navy SEAL. Coupon salesman vs. Special ops. With flying paint, one of us would go down.

I found myself in a bunker, approximately 25 yards from my target, who was strategically positioned in a tree fort. As we exchanged fire for about 10 minutes, I felt a twinge of confidence coming over me that I could take the SEAL down. I didn’t need to call in back-up. I didn’t need to retreat to a safer place. I could do this! From my vantage point, I could see that my paint was hitting the slats in the tree house, spraying him with paint. With the right shot I would have victory! Just as that fleeting thought hit me… WHAP!... so did Mark’s paintball, right in the left eye of my safety glasses. Needless to say, I was out of the game… and the reconnaissance specialist would be the winner.

This is the perfect illustration of how we so often try to fight sexual temptation. Rather than seeing danger and taking cover, we pridefully think we can handle it on our own, trying to be some kind of hero. In my paintball experience, I should have realized I was facing a situation I couldn’t manage on my own. In 1 Corinthians 6, we are told to run because Paul knows that on our own, we are no match for the enemy. Satan is referred to as a “roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” He likes to launch temptation our direction, hoping that we will give in and be destroyed by sin.

When we choose to fight temptation on our own, we often think that we are much stronger than we really are. 1 Corinthians 10:12 says, “Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed that he does not fall.” Pride tells us we are stronger than we are. When we believe that lie, it’s often then we find ourselves entrapped by sin. Humility tells us we are too weak. When we believe it’s wise to flee, we find victory in overcoming temptation by attaining purity. Proverbs 22:3 says, “A prudent man sees danger and takes refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it.” Are you going to be prudent and take cover or foolish and try to fight temptation until it overtakes you?

These are just a few verses that encourage us to be men and women who love Jesus by pursuing purity. As Christians, we are to emulate Christ-likeness in the way we live our lives, especially in the area of sexual purity. When a person asks the question, “How far is too far?”, they are failing to see the seriousness of sexual sin. Proverbs 7 describes the person yielding to sexual sin as one who is being “led to the slaughter.” Since my dad is a pilot, I grew up around small aircraft. On the tarmac, never once did I think “Hmm… look at that propeller… I wonder how close I can get to it?” I knew how dangerous they can be and stayed far away. Sexual sin is dangerous and we are called to flee temptation so we don’t get caught in it.

So, instead of asking the question, “How far is to far?”, we should be asking the following questions:

• Are our actions sexual in nature in any way, shape, or form? (Eph 5:3)

Remember that sexual immorality is not just limited to intercourse. We are called to not even have a “hint” of immorality in our lives. This includes anything that stirs up lust in our hearts.

• Am I treating my boyfriend/girlfriend in all purity, as a brother or sister in Christ? (1 Tim 5:1-2)

• Am I causing them to lust, or helping them to avoid from being tempted? (Mt 5:28)

Is kissing a sin? The Bible does not speak on this, but if kissing causes you to lust, than for you it is a sin. What about passionate kissing? If we are honest with ourselves, this type of kissing does stir up sexual desire. I’ve never met anyone who can engage in passionate kissing and not be tempted to go further. If you are not married, than it is wise to avoid certain forms of kissing! And remember that love seeks to encourage the other person to become more like Christ, not to entice them to sin. Even if you think you can handle it, can the other person?

• Am I stirring up passion that cannot be fulfilled? (SOS 2:7, 8:4)

• Do I think I’m stronger than I really am?  (1 Cor 10:6-12)

• Am I fleeing temptation or toying with it? (1 Cor. 6:18-20)

Facing these questions honestly is hard, because it will show us that even a “hint” is too far! But let’s never forget that when God is saying “No!” to something, He is really saying “Yes!” to something much greater! So, let’s all pursue purity in our lives and avoid the slippery slope of sin… let’s run away when temptation comes so we can experience the freedom of walking in obedience to our Lord and Savior!

~AF

Sex: 5 Purposes of God's Design in Marriage

A few weeks back, we talked about the purpose of sex. Here’s a recap of some of the discussion…

Having a proper view of sex will help us to guard against sexual temptation as we strive for purity. As we established early in our study, purity is not the ultimate goal, Jesus is. Purity is a path to Jesus, an avenue of being closer to Him. And as we become closer to Him, we will experience true joy that can only be found in the Creator of the universe.

When we understand the purpose of sex as God designed it and follow His plan in obedience, we will be better equipped to guard purity in our lives. For those who will someday be married, this study will help lay a foundation for the future. Cultivating intimacy in marriage begins now through purity and respecting God’s boundaries as a single. It is important to remember that God is not the enemy of pleasure, He is the Creation of it. When He says “No” to something, He is really saying “Yes” to something much better!

Here are 5 purposes in God’s design of sex:

1) Procreation

In Genesis 1:28, God said, “Be fruitful and increase in number…” Without sex, the human race would quickly become extinct! Mentioned in an earlier post, God could have created procreation as boring as a sneeze or He could have created a parthenogenetic (asexual) human race that reproduces completely autonomously. But because God is good, He created sex as a gift to be enjoyed with another person in the confines of marriage…

2) Enjoyment/Pleasure

There is an entire book in the Bible dedicated to the enjoyment of sex. Children are not mentioned in Song of Solomon… nope, not once. Also, if God had created sex just for procreation, He would have designed the human anatomy quite differently! In Proverbs 5, husbands are actually commanded to enjoy the body of their wife. Yes, sex was hand-crafted by the Lord created for the enjoyment of a husband and wife.

3) Oneness

When a man and woman marry, God joins the couple into “one” flesh. The picture is one of permanency. It bonds two people. Sex was created to be an agent of joining two into one. It helps to create a “glue” in a relationship that bonds them together emotionally. Marriage is a covenant that can be very difficult, but God’s gift of sex brings two people together emotionally, helping them to continue in their commitment to God and each other.

This emotional connection is so deep, it is also physical. Dr. Stephen Arterburn said, “When a man or woman reaches sexual excitement, nerve endings release a chemical into the brain called ‘opioid.’ ‘Opioid’ means opium-like and is a good description of the power of this chemical. This is a wonderful thing in a committed marriage relationship, because it helps to bond two people together and bring joy to living together and building a relationship.”

Mark Driscoll continues this thought, “A married couple with a free and frequent sex life are literally bonded together as one, physically and chemically, by God’s design. This oneness is expressed in such things as having one last name, living in one house, sleeping in one bed, attending one church, sharing one bank account, and worshiping one God.”

Do you see why sexual involvement outside of marriage is SO serious? It has the power to bond two people emotionally to the point of them continuing in sin, rather than pursuing purity. They foolishly convince themselves that their physicality is evidence of their love, rather than the fruit of their selfishness and lust.

4) Protection from sin

A healthy sex life can actually guard the married couple from falling into temptation. Paul explains in 1 Corinthians 7 that the husband’s body is not his own and the wife’s body is not her own… they are to lovingly seek to satisfy the other sexually with their bodies. This helps to serve the other in guarding against sexual or emotional temptation. Mark Driscoll says, “If one person feels sexually denied and discouraged, it increases the temptation to wander outside the marriage for sexual satisfaction or remain sexually pure but emotionally bitter. But free and frequent sex within marriage helps safeguard and protect the marriage from such sins as bitterness, adultery, pornography, and secret masturbation.”

5) To picture the intimate union of Christ and the church

This point cannot be overlooked! The whole picture of marriage is to signify the relationship of Jesus and the church (believers). Jonathan Edwards said that all of life was to serve as visible portraits of invisible realities. The imagery of marriage is to represent the unconditional, sacrificial, and faithful love of God for His people (this is one reason He hates divorce. It is not an accurate picture of His relentless love for us- study the book of Hosea). The oneness that sex creates for the married couple is a type (or picture) of the oneness that we have with God in Christ. Jesus lived the perfect life, taking on flesh to die for our sins so that we could be reconciled to God (2 Corinthians 5:21, Romans 5:10). Reconciliation unites us to God, creating fellowship that was once broken by sin.

Now get this: sex in marriage is essentially the gospel message! But let’s be cautious before we take that thought too far… sex is not to be elevated as a god, but it is a picture of something greater. Even Paul said this concept is difficult to understand. In Ephesians 5:32, he called it a “profound mystery.” Jonathan Edwards also said, “Christ is united to you by a spiritual union, so close as to be fitly represented by the union of the wife to the husband.” The experience of sex within marriage can help one to better grasp the depth of their spiritual union with Christ. In his book, Sex, Dating, and Relationships, Gerald Hiestand says, “The marriage union is not simply a legal union or a social union, a financial union or a familial union, bur rather a union of bodies, a sharing of physical life. Through sex, two people are joined together in the deepest and most wonderful way—so much so that they are said to become one… sexual oneness within marriage was created by God to serve as a foreshadowing of the spiritual oneness that would exist between Christ and His church.”

Again, you may be wondering, “Why all of this talk about sex… especially for a single’s group?!” Glad you asked. ;-) As mentioned before, if we can have a healthy, biblical view of God’s gift of sex, we will better learn to respect God’s boundaries in purity both in our private lives and in our relationships. Our discussion of sex is not so we can focus all of our attention on this topic. The focus should not be on the gift, but on the gift-Giver! When we see God for who He is, we will understand and believe that fulfillment in life can only come by having a right relationship with Him.

~AF

Sex: God, Gross, or a Gift?

As we continue our study of dating, sex, and purity, it is important to properly view sex as God intended. Last week, we discussed three views of sex.

Sex as “god”

The first view of sex is that it is highly esteemed as the one thing that will bring happiness to a person’s life. We certainly live in a culture where sex is idolized, and even within Christianity, marriage is exalted on a pedestal because of sex. Within Christian circles everywhere, young dating couples who are not ready for the serious of marriage rush into it. Rather than learning the fruit of the Spirit known as self-control, sex becomes the driving factor into marriage… because after all, it’s better to get married right away than fall into sexual sin, right? The world puts off marriage and indulges in sexual activity. The church rushes into marriage to have sex. Sex is often an idol for those who call themselves believers. When sex is the god controlling a person’s life, God is no longer on His throne, and pain and destruction ensue.

When sex becomes a god, it will cost a person their life... we see this clearly in Proverbs chapter 7 with the man who went after the adulteress. It reads, “With persuasive words she led him astray; she seduced him with her smooth talk. All at once he followed her like an ox going to the slaughter,
like a deer stepping into a noose till an arrow pierces his liver,
like a bird darting into a snare, little knowing it will cost him his life.” Although STDs can kill, this passage isn’t necessarily talking about physical death. The consequences of sin rob a person of joy, peace, and freedom. Living life under the condemnation of God’s wrath is no life at all.

It isn’t just in today’s society, sex has been idolized since creation. Many of the problems we read of in the Old Testament were the result of idolizing sex. Also, pagans around the time of the early church made it very prominent. People taught that God could be experienced through sex. They exalted the creation above the Creator. Temple prostitution was an integral component of religious ceremonies. Greek and Roman societies also had sexuality as a major element in their worship. Even Hinduism’s Karma Sutra idolizes sex by teaching that sexual pleasure is a way to experience God and develop into a more well-rounded human being. Whenever we ignore God’s view of sex and continue forward in disobedience, it is a sure tell sign that sex has become an idol.

Sex is Gross

Another common view of sex is that it is dirty. This has been a common view throughout the ages, especially among the church. When sex is not properly understood biblically, it can be corrupted by what the world has made it. The porn industry has certainly corrupted sex. Hollywood has corrupted sex. Novels have corrupted sex. If this is all a person sees, it’s easy to understand how sex could be viewed as dirty and off-limits.

Many false teachings surrounding the early church advocated that sensual pleasure was not of the Lord. Tertullian and Ambrose were said to prefer extinction of the human race than continued sexual intercourse. Chrysostom said that Adam and Eve could not have had sexual relations before sin entered the world. And Jerome threw himself into thorny bushes to overwhelm himself with pain whenever he began to desire a woman sexually. When God is viewed as a cosmic “kill joy” anything pleasurable can be seen as an enemy of God Himself.

Also, for those who have been sexually abused, seeing sex as healthy can be very difficult when overcoming the deep emotional pain that sexual sin has caused in their life. Both extremes… exalting sex as god or seeing sex as gross can lead a person into dangerous territory. That brings us to the third view of sex…

Sex is a gift!

Of all people, it is Christians that should accurately see sex for what it is: a gift from God! A very GOOD gift. He didn’t turn around one day shortly after creation, shocked and horrified by the fact that Adam and Eve were naked and having sex. He commanded them to be fruitful and multiply and the way He created that to be accomplished was through pleasurable sex. He could have made procreation as boring as sneezing (and sex isn’t just for procreation). Joshua Harris says, “Why did God delight to entrance us with smooth skin, soft breasts, firm muscles, entangled legs, and slow kisses? The answer is for our enjoyment and His glory. Because He’s very very good.”

In Hebrews 13:4, the author says that the marriage bed is to be kept pure and that those who ignore this mandate will be judged. Sexual immorality is seriousness because sex is such an amazing gift to be enjoyed only in the context of marriage. In our study, I will continue to stress the importance of sexual purity. Again, this is certainly not because God doesn’t want us to enjoy sex, it’s because He actually DOES want us to enjoy it… but under His terms. A passionate, healthy sex life shared between two people is the result of doing things God’s way. He created sex. It’s a gift HE designed!

The most sexually satisfied married couples are often the ones who were the most sexually pure before marriage. Guarding the gift of sex outside marriage will lead us to take extra precautions in our dating relationships (and in our singleness). The same patience and humility that leads a dating couple to purity is the very same patience and humility that leads a married couple to a great sex life. By believing that sex is a great gift of God to be reserved for marriage, it will motivate us to seek purity in obedience to the Lord. This mindset also helps us to answer the question, “How far is too far?” because we will be wise enough to not even open the door to temptation in a relationship. We are commanded to flee temptation, not linger in it… and the one who sees sex as a gift to be guarded and enjoyed in marriage will run like Usain Bolt in the opposite direction when temptation arises (more on that in another post).

~AF

DUI (Dating Under the Influence)

Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” It’s an emphatic call for us to be careful. Our mind, will, emotions, desires, and passions… basically the deepest part of our being is represented by our heart. What we think about and what we allow our emotions to center around effect the decisions we make. If we guard our heart, we will be careful to not make unwise decisions that often have painful consequences.

We asked the question, “what are some ways a dating couple can guard their heart”? There are many answers to that question, but often the most obvious (and overlooked) solution is to avoid sexual impurity (and I’m not just talking about intercourse!!). Once a couple opens the door to a physical relationship, their emotions are quickly involved. Unfortunately most relationships center around the physical where decision making becomes emotional rather than rational.

I have a friend who received a DUI that cost him over $10,000 along with his license being revoked. He had to attended a year of classes and have a breathalyzer installed in his car before it would start. It cost him a lot of time and money. Obviously driving a car while under the influence of alcohol is extremely dangerous, and that’s why there are steep laws to discourage people from being irresponsible.

Just like drinking and operating a fast-moving vehicle is dangerous, being in a relationship “under the influence” of heightened emotions (because of unhealthy physical boundaries) is also dangerous. Breakups, regret, shame, and remorse is painful. Dating couples that are involved sexually are connected emotionally in a way that God never intended for two people who are not married. When the emotions get that involved, couples often head towards marriage based on feelings rather than on seeking if God is in it. Often times when those feelings fade and the sexual excitement wears off, divorce ensues. After accepting Christ, marriage is the second most impactful decision a person can make, so why not take careful measures to avoid that which leads to unhealthy emotional attachments?! Yes, above all else, guard your heart… and avoid getting caught up physically in your dating relationships.

~AF

One way to get what you desire...

I read a post recently from a friend’s blog. She’s always been very transparent and yet continues to have a sense of humor in the midst of difficulties. Here’s what she wrote that caught my attention,

“It is hard to be 33 and single.  It's hard to watch people much younger than me get married and have kids.  It's hard to be completely content one day and be so lonely I could die the next day.  It's hard to face the reality that most likely I'm not going to get to have children. It's hard to hear all of the well meaning things that (married) people throw my way whenever I start talking about being single.  As if someone who got married when they were 23 knows anything about being single.  I hate it when people use the verse about God giving you the desire of your heart if you delight yourself in Him.  As if somehow my life is a disappointment to God, which is why I'm still single.  Or why they finally were blessed with marriage - because they figured out the key to delighting themselves in God and were subsequently blessed with the golden chalice of marriage and now they just want to encourage me to do the same thing.  I could hit those people and one of these days, I just might.  Or unfriend them on facebook. I'm good at that too.”

Have you ever heard this verse quoted in the context of singleness? Is it true that the secret of finding a spouse is delighting in God? Is that what Psalm 37:4 talks about?... getting what I want if I delight in God? Well, not quite. The verse says,

“Delight yourself in the Lord; 
And He will give you the desires of your heart.”

We like to twist this verse to the point of it being some mystical path to getting all our hopes and dreams. In reality, it’s really the opposite... well, sort of. As we delight (put first, seek, pursue) in the ways of the Lord, He changes not the circumstances into what we want, but our desires of wanting what He wants and how He directs the circumstances. We serve a God who, in spite of how we feel at times, really does want us to have joy and peace… and who doesn’t want joy and peace? In the end, as we delight in Him by giving over our desires and giving up our dreams, the Lord transforms our desires into His desires, which brings us a joy we never thought possible through submission to Him. Yea, God is pretty powerful in that way… bringing about that which we truly long for, but in a way that is opposite of how we would think. The secret of joy is in yielding, not in holding on to what we want.

John MacArthur simplifies this verse in a way that is really profound…

So, how do you get what you desire? Yield your desires over to Him, and He will give you what you long for. Once you are following the Lord in humility, submission, and obedience (and that is key!), do whatever you want! :-) As you do what He wants, He changes your desires so that what you want is what He wants, too. Crazy!

~AF

Being Content in EVERY Circumstance

A couple weeks back, we talked about the huge topic of contentment. This, among many of the other topics we are covering in this series, could be its own 16-week study. There are so many layers to contentment, and it is certainly an area we all struggle with.

In his book, Rare Jewel of Christian Contentment, Jeremiah Burroughs defines contentment this way: “Christian contentment is that sweet, inward, quiet, gracious frame of spirit, which freely submits to and delights in God’s wise and fatherly disposal in every condition” (The Puritan preachers of the 17th century had a way of capturing profound concepts in single sentences!). It’s a great definition that highlights the fact that contentment brings about peace in every situation… all while trusting and submitting to God in the process.

We often don’t view discontentment as a sin, but when we look more closely, it is a lack of trust in who God is and that His plan is best in bringing about His greatest glory for our greatest good (becoming more like Christ!). William Barcley said,  "When we grumble, we don’t believe that God is in control, and we question his ability to make good on his promises. At the root, then, is a lack of faith. Our discontent questions God’s sovereignty, shows our failure to submit to his lordship, and is worthy of God’s punishment. Grumbling is great sin.” He continues, "Not only is discontent a great sin, but it also is at the root of much sin in our lives. It clearly is at the root of covetousness. A coveting spirit is a discontented spirit because it desires what God has not given to us. If we want to win the battle against a sinful, coveting spirit, then we must study contentment."

Discontentment is also failing to believe that God is the only One who can truly satisfy. Singles often struggle in this area because their focus is on the wrong things. Having a spouse, a higher paying job, owning a home, the freedom to have sex within marriage, close friends, etc… none of these things can truly satisfy because God did not create them to. In Mere Christianity, C.S. Lewis said,

“God made us: invented us as a man invents an engine, A car is made to run on petrol, and it would not run properly on anything else. Now God designed the human machine to run on Himself. He Himself is the fuel our spirits were designed to burn, or the food our spirits were designed to feed on. There is no other. That is why it is just no good asking God to make us happy in our own way without bothering about religion. God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing.”

When we pursue the things listed above more than God, we make them out to be idols, only making us more discontent. And when those things get taken away, we find ourselves without hope.

In Philippians 4:11-12, Paul talks about how he learned to be content in every situation. This is one of the keys to learning to be content… contentment isn’t about a situation or circumstance, but about how one views that situation or circumstance. This is such an encouraging passage because it tells us that we can be content right here where we are at no matter what. Can you imagine if it said, “contentment can only be found by having enough money, or by being married, or by having friends who will love you at all times”? Contentment isn’t something that can only be attained outside of your control, but an attitude of submission through yielding to God’s plan for your life. Burroughs says, “The contentment of a man or woman who is rightly content does not come so much from outward arguments or from any outward help, as from the disposition of their own hearts. The disposition of their own hearts causes and brings forth this gracious contentment rather than any external thing.”

There are many encouraging passages that talk about contentment, but we will close with James 1:2-4 that says, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

Another key to contentment is being thankful in everything, believing that God is big enough to bring good out of the situation. Along with so many principles of God, contentment can be mysterious because His ways are not logical to our finite minds. Burroughs says, “This is the mystery of contentment, not so much by removing the evil, as by metamorphosing the evil, by changing the evil into good.” Has God ever taken a difficult circumstance in your life to bring about good? Don’t you think that He is powerful enough to do that again with whatever it is you are facing right now?

Sure, it can be difficult to be content as a single, but God is greater and He created us to be satisfied with Himself, the Author and Creator of life, who loves us and truly does have a plan and purpose in everything!

~AF

"You need to get out there!"

Recap on God’s Sovereignty: Part 2

For the first study in the series, I thought it was important to establish the point that God is ultimately the one who is in control of the events in our lives.  One of the anonymous questions that was asked a couple weeks back has important implications on the topic: “Singles often face numerous questions/discouraging “encouragements”… things like, “You need to get out there if you’re going to find someone,” “Get together with your closest friends and candidly ask ‘What’s wrong with me?’” or “You’re still not dating anyone?!” How does a believer trusting in the Lord for His timing rightly respond to these questions- especially when they come from other believers?”

We won’t take the time to go into too much depth in answering the entirety of this question… that will have to wait until a later study where we will talk about accountability and healthy communication. For now, the implication in this question that often gets asked by others (and us) is that somehow we are “in control.” We sometimes think that people are still single because they don’t get “out there” enough. And what does it even mean to be “out there”? Do we think they need to go on more blind dates, go to more clubs or Bible studies, or fill out one more online dating profile? If we think it’s really up to us to find someone and if we are still single… then the obvious conclusion is that we just aren’t doing a “good enough” job. If this is our thinking in life, then we are going to proceed in decision making based on what we think is best. This not only goes against all clear Biblical teaching, it will also lead to a lot of pain and unnecessary consequences.

This leads us into the topic of God’s sovereignty. It’s another one of those fancy words that describes God’s character in that He is all-powerful, self-existent, eternal, creator of all, and self-sufficient. He rules over everything. What He says goes. What He wills will come to pass. Even the outcome of our plans are directed by Him (Proverbs 19:21). Isaiah 46:10, Psalm 115:3, 135:6, and Daniel 4:35 all say that God does whatever He wants. Acknowledging God’s sovereignty without also properly understanding His other character qualities can be scary… but we are comforted that He is also faithful, kind, forgiving, loving, great, trustworthy, and good (Psalm 16:2, 34:8, 100:5, 103:8-12, 145:9). Because He is sovereign, we can truly say that God does nothing, or allows nothing, without purpose.

So, it’s not a matter of “getting out there” or taking matters into our own hands, it’s about following Him and seeking the plans He has for us. If a believer is following the Lord, they will be serving in the church, getting connected with God’s people, and loving others in community. If it’s His plan for a person to marry, He will direct that. It’s certainly not wrong to join an online dating site or to “get out there” in other ways (as long as a person is clearly following the Lord's will in purity and obedience), but if our motivation is because God just isn’t doing what we want Him to do (in the time frame we want Him to do it), we will quickly find ourselves in a situation that will have serious consequences.

What does it practically look like in a person’s life if they are not trusting God in the area of their singleness?

• Selfishness- “I deserve better…”

• Discontentment (lack of gratefulness)- “If I only had someone, then I would be happy”

• Hopelessness or depression- “I will never meet any one”

• Jealousy- “I wish I could have what they have”

• A feeling of failure- “I’m not good enough or I would have a date.”

• Anger and resentment toward God- “I’m serving Him, but He is holding out.”

• Seeing marriage as a reward for being spiritual- “If I truly love the Lord, He will give me a spouse”

• A tendency to get into relationships that they shouldn’t be in- “I probably shouldn’t date this person, but they will change”

By choosing to go our own way, we fail to experience the joy that God intends for His children. He truly does have great plans for us (Jeremiah 29:11-13)!

For a closer look at Jeremiah 29:11, take a few minutes to answer the following questions:

• What is the context of Jeremiah 29:11-13?

(29:1- who was it written to and what were they going through?)

• Why was this an encouraging message to the Israelites?

• In the midst of what was happening, how would Jeremiah 29:4 be comforting to God’s people?

• What was the Lord looking for from His people in Jeremiah’s day?

• In verse 11, how does God want to bring us “welfare” today? (read the verse in different translation)

• Although it’s true that God has good plans for us, what prevents them from taking effect? (verse 12 & 13) Do we often expect these things to happen without a commitment to change on our part?

• In verse 13, what does it look like for us to seek God with our “whole heart”?

• Read Jeremiah 29:8-9. In these verses, we see that there were people deceiving God’s people. How can we as believers, today, avoid from being led astray by false teaching?

• How else can Jeremiah 29:11-13 encourage us today?

“Who was Eve, without Adam?”

Recap on God’s Sovereignty: Part 1

In last week’s study, we started off with one of the questions that was asked during our intro week. I thought this would be a good question to start off with so we could potentially clear up any misunderstandings about the value and purpose of single women. After all, if a woman thinks that she is unable to fulfill God’s plan for her life without being married, she will fail to see how God wants to use her as a single. Here is the question:

“As a woman, how do I fulfill my God designed role of a “help-mate” if I never marry? Is coming under the leadership of the church enough? Eve came from Adam, so who is Eve without Adam? Is this a distortion caused by the Fall?”

We looked at Genesis 2:18 where we see how God brought the woman to the man to be a “helper.” Does this mean that all women were created by God to be men’s “helpers”, and that a woman is not fulfilling her God-created role until she finds a man to “help” (within marriage)? At first glance, this may appear to be the case… but context and the clarity of going to other Bible passages is always key in having a proper hermeneutic (just a fancy word that refers to how we interpret Scripture).

In Genesis 1:28, God commands Adam and Eve to “be fruitful and multiply” as well as to “subdue” and “rule over” the earth. Without getting into to too much detail, it’s quite obvious that Adam could not fulfill God’s command to “multiply” without Eve! Adam was incomplete without someone to complement him in fulfilling the task of filling, multiplying, and taking dominion over the earth. It points to Adam’s inadequacy, not Eve’s deficiency. Adam needed a helper to fulfill the God-given tasks in which he was given.

In the garden, we also see the first example of marriage, and in the context of marriage, the woman certainly was created to be the “helper.” Some see this as a negative thing, but God created the roles within marriage as a picture of Christ and the church (even before sin entered the world). Dr. Matthew Henry said, “Eve was not taken out of Adam's head to top him, neither out of his feet to be trampled on by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected by him, and near his heart to be loved by him.” We will talk a bit more about this when we look at the roles of the man and woman in marriage, but it is important in this conversation to note that differing roles do not mean differing values. Genesis 1:26,27 tells us that man and woman were both created in God’s image. We also see this in 1 Corinthians 11:11, 12 and Galatians 3:28 that says that men and women were created equal. Their value in God’s sight is the same, but as we will see in a future study, their roles are different.

And is marriage to be more valued than singleness?  In 1 Corinthians 7:7, Paul specifically calls marriage AND singleness both gifts from God. If they are both gifts from God, they are both good and one is not to be valued above the other. If you are single, and you see that your singleness truly is a gift, you will then be free to be a good steward of that gift with an openness and desire to serve the Lord with your life.

~AF

Righteous Romance week one recap...

Last week, we started our new series called "Righteous Romance: a Biblical study in singleness, dating, and marriage" (Yup, it can be difficult to come up simple titles for complicated issues). If you missed it, here's a recap of what the study is NOT going to be about:

1) An unbalanced and unhealthy focus on dating and marriage. It’s easy for singles (and everyone!) to view romantic relationships as one of the main goals in life. Romantic relationships have been an idol throughout history that have pulled people away from the most important relationship, which is to be centered on the Lord. The purpose of this study is not to put romantic relationships on a pedestal. In this study, we will not exalt marriage above singleness, even though there is a subtle tendency in the church to do so.

2) A “how to” study that teaches how to find a spouse based on man-made formulas. It will not help you with your online dating profile or how to smoothly articulate a pickup line to land your next date. It will not be a “rules-based” approach to dating, and we will not dogmatically teach regulations that encourage legalism and empty “rule-following.”

3) A study that focuses more on what the Christian dating books teach than on what the Bible has to say. We will also try hard to avoid it becoming a study where everyone voices their own opinion and no authoritative, Biblical principles are established.

4) This study is not about making the “grey areas” into something that is black and white. No, it will not say that you have to date for 12.2 months before you have to be engaged or that giving your sweetie a goodnight kiss is ungodly. We will also not water down clear Biblical principles and avoid calling sin for what it is (sex outside of marriage, living selfishly, acting out in pride, etc).

So, what IS this study all about???

1) This study IS about giving glory to God by learning to have a closer relationship with Him. He is the focus of this study… not singleness, proper dating methods, or marriage. As we learn to trust Him more in life, we will see everything in life as an opportunity for growth. It is about glorifying God in everything we do! We often go to God wanting to learn how to do relationships better… and there’s nothing wrong with that, but often in that process, we fail to realize that everything revolves around our relationship with Him.

2) This study will seek to better understand Biblical principles as to avoid legalism and “rule following.”

3) This study is about providing an environment to where we can come and share our thoughts and questions on the various topics of discussion. We want to be sensitive to others, with the goal to edify and encourage in the ways of God by going to His Word. The study won’t be about hearing a lecture but about discussion and wrestling through some of these challenging topics together.

4) This study will hopefully provide Biblical wisdom in how to have a healthy, Christ-centered relationship if that is God’s plan for your life. It will also help to equip you in the lives of those you know who are in a romantic relationships.

5) We want this to be a study to where you can ask questions!! As you can see in the post below, there are a TON of great questions already... and I'm sure there are more. So, come with a question and we will try hard to talk about it over the course of the next 13 weeks.

On a final note, you may be thinking, "Is this study for me??" This study is for you if: 1) You are hoping to be in a relationship 2) Are currently in a relationship 3) You know of someone who is single who wants to be in a relationship 4) You know of someone who is in a relationship 5)... HA! You get the point... wherever you may be, this study will be practical and meet you where you're at (and help you encourage those around you).

We meet every Monday at 7:00pm. Hope to see you there! For location info, email: 29eleven@mvcchurch.org

~AF

Questions we will answer...

Below were some of the GREAT questions that were submitted last week at the study:

• What should a guy pursuing a girl look like? What are the guy/girl roles in this process?

• What do you do in seasons of discontentment?

• Is the sinfulness of society (that is the cultural acceptance of sex outside of marriage, etc.) something that may be affecting the ability of godly Christians to find a spouse?

• Why does it seem that there are so many more single Christian women than men?

• What are some healthy boundaries for a single person when interacting with married people and/or a married person of the opposite gender?

• What about arranged marriages?

• Is it important to be physically attracted to the person you marry?

• Should a woman initiate with a  man is she likes him? Is this godly? If so, what would it look like… or should the man be the one to initiate a relationship?

• What is the responsibility of a husband in marriage? Did something change from Genesis where it was God’s plan for marriage to Paul encouraging singleness and that not all are called to be married (1 Corinthians 7)?

• Is it wise to be in a friendship with a non-Christian you know is interested in you in hopes that maybe they would come to Christ? And if they become a believer, would it be okay to then date them?

• How far is “too far” when it comes to physical boundaries outside of marriage?

• How do you find the balance between guarding your heart, but also opening up enough to someone to have a deep, meaningful relationship?

• As a woman, how do I fulfill my God designed role as a “help-mate” if I never marry? Is coming under the leadership of the church enough? Eve came from Adam, so who is Eve without Adam? Is this a distortion caused by the Fall?

• Singles often face numerous questions/discouraging “encouragements”… things like, “You need to get out there if you’re going to find someone,” “Get together with your closest friends and candidly ask ‘What’s wrong with me?’” or “You’re still not dating anyone?!” How does a believer trusting in the Lord for His timing rightly respond to these questions- especially when they come from other believers?

Over the course of the next 13 weeks, we will be addressing every one of these questions as we get into the topics of singleness, contentment, God's sovereignty, purity, dating/courting, communication, christian community and accountability, Biblical love, and marriage. It should be a challenging study as we wrestle through what God's Word has to say!

~AF

Moving forward...

WOW! What a great study going through 30 Days to Understanding the Bible by Max Anders! By better understanding how the Bible's main themes all fit together, we were able to gain a better glimpse of God's story of redemption. It is SO easy to miss the flow of Scripture, but always good to see the "big picture" of His story throughout history (which really IS History). As we understand the main themes and storyline of God’s Word, we are then able to better understand who we are as believers today and the uniqueness of our time in history. We have His Spirit permanently living in us, empowering us to overcome sin in our lives (something Old Testament saints never imagined). No sacrificial system, no temple, no priests, no law. Today, we are free in Christ! This freedom was the result of Christ dying for us, which freed us from sin… but not, of course, to live however we desire. Freedom is having the ability to do the right thing, not to do whatever we want. The person who is overcoming sin and experiencing peace and joy is the person who is really free (freedom is only found by yielding and submitting our desires to Him). This is why Jesus came to die! Why time and time again, He rescued mankind from themselves. The common theme in each era was the stupidity of man, and the graciousness of God.

When we looked at the various eras in Scripture, we clearly saw the patience God displays toward His people. We saw His powerful, sovereign hand in events, which paved the way for what He wanted to accomplish. We also saw how He uses people to accomplish His purposes. And as His church today, God desires to use us to spread the message of hope to a lost world.

Now that we have a better understanding of the flow of the Bible, how do we engage our culture with the truths of God’s Word? This leads us into our next area of study. We will be following along with the new sermon series at Mountain View, but taking it deeper into more application and discussion. Jude encourages every believer to “contend for the faith that was once for all entrusted to the saints” (Jude 3). We will learn what it means to “contend for the faith.” We will be studying a variety of topics that will help us to better “contend” for our faith in a culture that is unbelieving (and a Christian culture that has lost sight of truth). Is God really good if He allows evil? Don’t the Scriptures have a lot of errors? If that’s the case, can we really trust the Bible? Why is the concept of Hell so important? Does God really have control over events? How does our free will fit into His sovereignty? Is Jesus really the only way to heaven? What are the key elements to the gospel? These are just a few of the many important topics we will tackle in the next study. As always, we will come from the approach of Scripture so that we know what God says on these matters!